Coming Out ~ Step Two

I recently discovered that I seriously underestimated some of the people in my life. Despite having full awareness of the trajectory of where my existence was going, I delayed for a prolonged period of time before ‘coming-out’ to many people. There were those who knew almost immediately that I had made the decision to become Hailey and actualize my inner-self. However, many people remained in the dark for quite some time. The act of receiving official sanction to proceed with Hormone Replacement Therapy initiated a very linear process for me. As I had taken a leap and crossed the point of no-return by receiving the Gender Identity Disorder and Gender Dysphoria diagnosis, I elected to come-out on a much broader scale.

The first step was informing my partner’s parents. I was incredible frightened for my partner as she told her mother. I was not worried about being rejected by them, but I was apprehensive that they would worry for her, or be so uncomfortable with the changes ahead that there would be a negative impact on their relationship. Well as it turns out I had no reason to agonize. Her parents were incredibly supportive, very sympathetic, and proud of their daughter for remaining by my side through all of this. Since then they have continued to make me feel welcome as part of their family. I am very lucky to know them and have them in my life, all thanks to my BFF.

Afterwards it was decided I ought to notify my own parents. I did not think they would disown or reject me, but I was incredibly scared that they would be upset or worried for me. For so long I had denied them the ability to be supportive for me by avoiding the possibility of them being distressed. After the climax of the conversation, I really tried to make sure they knew that I was safe, cared for by my BFF, and I was going to be very happy. I also made sure I apologized for being so secluded over the last year or so, and explained it was very hard to relate or communicate with people when I felt I was living a lie.

Finally, my partner and I informed our respective places of employment so they could be prepared for and understand the process. This was the moment I had dreaded for so long, I honestly expected a freak-out or an extremely uncomfortable situation. Somehow, it actually turned out really well. After the initial shock, and establishment that ‘no, this is not a joke’, I was given their understanding and support. This was followed a few days later by a large work related gathering where everyone was well aware of ‘Hailey’ and other than a few questions or the rare joke it was really just business as usual.

It turns out all my fears about coming out were in vain. The worst part is I allowed the initial fears to expand and compound in my head to the point that I honestly expected completely unreasonable reactions. Quite a long time ago I had watched a bunch of videos at the It Gets Better Project and they really inspired me to continue forward. I cannot really comment yet about negative reactions to the coming changes, micro-aggressions, dealing with judgements when out in public, or bullying, but I can say that as for the coming-out process it is much easier than I thought it would be and it does get better.

~ Hailey Amelia Rae

Dreaming Of My Soulmate

I have this dream that gives me a wicked grin.
I dream about an amazing woman,
a woman who would enter my life
changing it forever.
In this dream
she is unconditional with her understanding,
support,
and love.
She gives comfort
and shows immeasurable compassion.
If I were to define her in one word
I’d say ‘amazing’,
if I could use two
I’d add ‘breathtaking’.
In that dream world
this woman makes me laugh like no other ever could.
We talk for hours on end,
forgetting the time and the outside world.
Everyday I wake up to her silly made up songs,
her laughter,
and her humour.
I often catch myself smiling at simple thoughts of her
and the little reminders of her.
Whenever there is an argument or fight,
I always find her waiting for me
with arms open to embrace and move forward.
She takes me across the world,
visiting new places,
seeing new things,
and experiencing new adventures.
Despite the issues that divide and separate us,
we overcome them together.
She shows encouragement for my future,
with no fear or doubt.
For any need I have,
she always answers with “Yes. Of course I’ll help”.
In the serene dream of her,
I never feel neglected
or as if there is something lacking.
She feels compersion not jealousy,
as she watches me run off with my girlfriends and lovers.
She smiles and beams at my happiness,
even when I am in the arms of another.
She is an incredible partner,
friend,
companion,
and ally.
She is my soulmate.
It is a pretty marvellous dream,
and so many would be lucky to live it.
But I realize she isn’t a dream,
she is a real.
I found her like I always hoped I would.
She came into my life and now
she is my best friend forever.

~ Hailey Amelia Rae

If I Were A Mother

If I were a mother,
I would be caring,
I would be loving,
I would be watchful,
and I would be protective.

I would never ever force my child
to submit to intolerance,
or make her sit through the hate-filled speech of her supposed role models
out of misplaced respect for her out-of-touch elders.

My child would learn
that all love is true love,
and it is limitless.
She would be taught to embrace her love for others
and accept the love others share.

I'd make certain she knew
it's wrong to judge,
to oppress,
and be repressed.
She would know that each and every one of us
must be able to express who we are,
unchallenged and unmitigated,
and this certainly includes her.

I would not confuse her with religion,
homophobia,
or hatred.
I would not allow the prejudice of others
to define how she thinks or feels.
She would know that while we may not all be born identical,
we all deserve to be treated equally.

I would not oblige her to sit in a room
while her grandparents natter about 'homos', 'Indians', and 'Jews'.
I would not let her family convince her
that women are somehow less than men.
She would not be exposed to those who believe it is normal
to shun a relative just for falling in love
in a manner not meeting their narrow definition.

Well, bad news Grandpa and Grandma,
you're not able to corrupt her,
you're not able to fill her with doubt,
intolerance,
or hate.
I would protect her from you and your views.
You just watch me while I stand in your way,
her unrelenting aegis,
never allowing you to say its wrong to be gay
and to love,
never allowing you to voice your hate and supremacy,
never allowing you to make her think she would be less of person
just for being different.

You go ahead,
keep trying it on me,
but you will never be permitted to weaken her.
She would know that whoever she is,
she would be loved,
and supported.
She would have no doubt,
not a single solitary doubt,
that I would not help her become who she must be.

I would support her to the ends of the earth,
unconditionally,
absolutely,
completely.

You and those like you
have no place
in our lives
or in our hearts.

I was failed by my parents,
but if I were a mother,
I would not fail her.

~ Hailey Amelia Rae

Coming Out ~ Step One

Growing up I wanted nothing more than to share my true self with the world. However, the influence of a religious order and the perceptions by others was enough to prevent the exploration of who I am. Perhaps prevention is not an accurate description as I was not just simply being stopped from expressing myself. 

I have a long and complicated past having to cope with confusion about friendships, orientation, gender, attraction, sexual preferences, body image, etc. But what lies ahead is infinitely more terrifying, and I will admit a small part of me still believes it should be averted. 

What's so dangerous or terrifying about my future?

Coming out is easy. It was not always so easy to share who I was with a friend, to tell them I have been living a lie. But it has gotten to the point it can almost feel like casual conversation, 'Hey guess what, this is who I am becoming' or 'Hey just wanted to let you know I am going on hormones for the rest of my life'. Coming out is far easier than I thought it would be because I am still in control of the information. I was not so happy when my partner decided unilaterally to share who I was with a couple of our friends, even though it was safe and it all worked out, as I had no control of the situation. Anyways, coming out how, when, and to I want is incredibly easy now. There will come a day when what is happening cannot be hidden anymore from people I have not told.
I used to fear this so much it prevented any movement towards what is coming, but now it is more a realization that 'it's going to be a difficult'. There will come a time when if someone asks, I will be unable to speak falsely or fail to answer. There will be a question, the day will come where my aegis will fall.

After realizing as a child that exploring who I am was impossible in the circumstances, I ran. I ran for twenty five years, occasionally slowing down and overwhelmed by the truth but I kept running. I had been running all my life and I was not going to stop, or so I thought. But time was running out. Luckily for me, I reached a point where I realized there was no point in delaying any longer, it had been long enough. I had lived a life where I was a woman in a man's body. It is a safe place in there; it comes  with a strong aegis that can easily fend off judgement, pain, and anguish. But it is not true, it is an act. My friends ask 'so you're really going to do this? You're going to show the world who you really are', the truth is it's the only way. I know there is some pain coming; it's all still waiting for me. Either I face judgement and difficulty for being who I am, or a life of pain by living a lie. The aegis will fall, I will no longer be hidden in plain sight, and the question of who I am will be answered. 

I am quite certain I have figuratively 'crossed the Rubicon' as there really is no turning back. The point of no return was the moment I decided to start this process by going to a Doctor and saying "I am having a crisis, please, please, help". For the rest of my life I will look back at that moment, at myself taking that very first step and I will never ever forget it. As friends, lovers, family, and even a few co-workers, are finding out what is coming I become even more confident and steadfast. Despite some fear, a frustrating long process, and working in what can only be described is a toxic and hostile environment, I am confident this will happen. I am almost forcing it to happen regardless of the difficulties ahead that I know exist out there. The more people I open up to, the easier it becomes. I think at least a third of the people in my life know who I am and what lay ahead for me. I also have to accept that people talk, and the more people who know the more chance there is of it becoming common knowledge socially and professionally. It is not an really an issue for me, as it is not a question of "if" but rather "when".

In the last year, coming out has become easier with each day. My friends have been incredible to me, many saying they suddenly feel closer to me after I share with them. I am often told I did not have to hide anything
and if I needed their support I really did not have to do more than just ask. I have been shown by so many and much just how much I am loved. Honestly, look forward to the day where I can accept myself (body image,
looks, presentation, etc), and share that with the world. 

So this is me. As I share this with the people I love I will becoming more myself, and further out there and open to the world. I really look forward to the day I have no one left to tell, and who I am is just a fact of life. That day feels like it is coming soon, even if I do not feel like I remotely look the part.

~ Hailey Amelia Rae

Attraction, Affinity, and Empathy

Attraction, Affinity, and Empathy

Before getting into the subject of this entry, I want to establish why I write this blog. The first being a desire to share what I experienced, am experiencing, and what I am expecting in the future. I share these things using the medium of a blog because it is often easier to take my time to articulate my thoughts this way, than to come up with it all in a coherent conversation. I will admit I also look forward to the feedback I have been getting, my blogging becomes more than writing as I feel it being shared in two directions. The second reason I write here is it allows me to analyse and articulate for myself many of the things I have had to work through mentally and emotionally. Since starting to write here I have been able to learn a lot about myself, more than I expected, just by typing it out to share. Finally, I also hope once this process is complete that perhaps my experience can help someone else thinking of or actually experiencing the same as I have.

For as long as I can remember I have experienced conflicting and complimentary attraction towards women, affinity with women, and empathy for women. As a child I genuinely preferred female friends and I avoided male friends as much as I could. With my girlfriends I could visit, hangout, and play for hours on end, but with boys I would often get frustrated and find excuses to end the social situation. Actually, that is a modus operandi that I still unconsciously maintain to this day. An example I want to highlight is when I had a birthday party in grade nine with over 50 girlfriends in attendance and only one boy. It really has been persistent throughout my whole life, I am just far more comfortable socializing with women than men. For the longest time I had convinced myself that my draw to female friends was sexual opportunism, basically the more girlfriends I had the easier would be to 'get laid'. Although technically this is true, as proximity occasionally leads to opportunity, it certainly is not the motivation. Honestly, deep down I am just far more comfortable when in proximity to, confiding in, sharing with, and spending time with my girlfriends. Due to my affinity with girlfriends, and incompatibility with males, I did experience confusion once I was also attracted to women. Of course I was not attracted to all my girlfriends, but I was attracted to some of them. Because of the affinity with girls I felt, and friendships I had with them, I often felt a bit of guilt when there was attraction towards a girl I was close too. I think it is safe to say, the vast majority of my relationships began as friendships.

As I got older I was often confused by the overlapping affinity and sexual attraction towards women. The older I got the less faking my way through friendships with males was even remotely manageable. Having suppressed my feelings from my youth, as I got older I began to make assumptions about my orientation since I was generally happiest and accepted as one of the girls. I should mention it was my BFF who reminded me that in this case feeling that way has no reflection on orientation, she really got me through a very confusing and stressful time of my life. I imagine my issues with affinity and attraction are no different than or very similar to any gay woman out there, still a very confusing time for me. One of those how did I not know times of my life is when I was 17-19 years old. Once I began going to the bars I ended up connecting with a lesbian acquaintance of mine, kind of by chance by running into her at a gay bar. I began to spend more time with her and her friends, and honestly I felt right at home. Even hooking up with a few of them and having non-hetero-normative sex felt perfectly normal for me. Perhaps it was fear, but at one point I found myself running in a different direction sexually. I remained closer to girlfriends and attracted to women, but for a few years I really did attempt to prove to myself I enjoyed hetero-normative sex with women (I feel like I am digressing to a previous post).

Thankfully over the years I began to find a way to understand both my affinity with and attraction to women. I even got past the guilt of being attracted to women I consider friends & close friends. By finding an understanding of my emotions, feelings, and attraction for women, I was able to develop a deeper empathy for women. The stronger empathy with women has always been there, but since grasping a deeper understanding of myself my empathy has become far better tuned.

So there it is, the progression in my life of my sexual attraction towards women, affinity with women, and my empathy for women. This progression has led me to have a far better and deeper understanding of who I am and where I am going.

~ Hailey Amelia Rae

Commons approves transgender rights bill

CBC


A bill that would make it illegal to discriminate against transgender Canadians was approved by the House of Commons today.

The Opposition private member's legislation passed Wednesday by a vote of 149-137, with the crucial support of 16 Conservatives, including four cabinet ministers.

It was one of the first tests of the Conservative caucus' resolve on lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender (LGBT) rights in Canada at a time when Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird has been mounting a strong defence of such rights abroad.

Baird, Finance Minister Jim Flaherty, Labour Minister Lisa Raitt and Heritage Minister James Moore were among the Conservatives who supported the bill. Prime Minister Stephen Harper, most of his front bench and the vast majority of his backbenchers opposed it.

Opposition parties were united in their support for the bill, sponsored by New Democrat Randall Garrison.

MPs are generally free to vote as they see fit on private members' bills.

"Today, New Democrats are proud to have contributed to ensuring equal protection under the law from discrimination and hatred based on gender identity," Garrison said in a statement after the vote.

"Transgender and transsexual citizens are among the most marginalized and are too often victims of harassment and acts of violence."

The bill had triggered vigorous, sometimes emotional debate in the Commons.

After passing at second reading — with the support of 15 Tories and another nine abstaining — the bill's momentum seemed to falter as some Conservatives began to express reservations about its impact and effectiveness.

There were complaints that the language in the bill was confusing and vague, including the term "gender expression" and "gender identity."

Garrison tried to strike a compromise by removing the term "gender expression."

Conservative MP Michelle Rempel teared up in the Commons earlier this month as she spoke about the discrimination that transgender Canadians face, even as she questioned the bill's effectiveness.

"Both sides of this debate should agree that equality and protection against harm are two fundamental values that all Canadians of any gender, any age, any background are entitled to," Rempel said.

"However, as legislators we are also tasked with deciding if the proposed legislation is sound. Given the lack of clarity that I found in the bill, I do have concern about its viability."

'The bathroom bill'

Other Conservative MPs opposed the bill on other grounds, such as the argument that pedophiles would be protected when they lurked in public bathrooms.

Shortly before Wednesday's vote, Calgary MP Rob Anders tabled a petition "on behalf of thousands" of Canadians opposed to what he called "the bathroom bill."

"These constituents feel that it is the duty of the House of Commons to protect and safeguard our children from any exposure and harm that would come from giving a man access to women's public washroom facilities," Anders said.

The Canadian Human Rights Tribunal had supported adding transgender identity to federal anti-discrimination and anti-hate legislation, saying it would promote acceptance and send a message about tolerance.

While some MPs argued that the transgendered were already protected on the basis of sex and disability, the tribunal said it would be better to have explicit protection so that the question is not perpetually challenged.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/story/2013/03/20/pol-transgender-rights-bill-approved.html

Dreaming of Hailey

~ Inspired by Julia ~

When I dream, the world is not perfect but it is pretty good. Sometimes I wonder if my dreams are like some science fiction shows where a character is living out a second life while they dream. In my dreams, it has been this way for as long as I can remember, I see myself as Hailey as does the rest of the world. When I am living this other life there is no shame or doubt, I am completely comfortable in my own skin, and the world does not care where I came from. It has been this way since childhood. Although in my dreams it does not feel this way, I know there is a certain amount of vanity that I carry with me into the dream world; in that world I am cute, sexy, hot, and desirable. With the exception of the avatar, my dreams are likely the same as everyone else’s dreams. I am pretty sure I dream about typical things, just within an avatar more representative of my true self. I am fairly certain, from what dreams I can recall, that no one ever uses the name my parents gave me. For many years, my names varied but eventually settled on Hailey. Hailey is just a name that feels so fitting both sub-consciously and in the real world.

I will note that when people know me Hailey, it actually feels awkward and uncomfortable when they use my given name in private.

With the exception of the rare nightmare, where reality bleeds through into my subconscious, there are no dreams of transition, judgement, or friction. In the dream world, everything feels as it should be and I am happy. As a result of my life being very comfortable and happy as Hailey in my dreams, sometimes I find it difficult to get out of bed in the mornings. I can think of numerous occasions where I heard my alarm go off and all I wanted to do was hit snooze so I could get back to that dream. Occasionally I am lucky enough to quickly fall asleep and find myself right back in that world.

There are some impractical elements to my dreams, such as dreaming about being with straight women I have crushes on as Hailey when there is no way that she would be with a woman.

The confusion of these dreams as a child is extremely difficult to put into perspective. Try to imagine having these dreams in elementary school and junior high (with less adult content) while being coerced into repressing mannerisms, interests, and desires. Even more difficult for me was wanting to seek medical help to address the consistent self-expression in my dreams, and desire to self-express in real-life, and not being allowed to because I was a minor. I can freely admit I hold deep resentment for the people in my youth that prevented me from the changing the course of my life and leaving me with issues I continue to carry with me today. Had I not been so repressed and discouraged, that dream world would not have been an escape but rather a reflection of reality.

From a psychological perspective, I do not think I am going through what I am in order to reach emulate some perfect life I have dreamt up. Rather, I think my dreams are a reflection of what should have happened in my life and reassurance that I made the right decisions. Although I find myself incredibly intimidated by what lays before me, I am certain my dreams are way of telling me I am on the right path.

However things go for me in the future, I am happy that at least when I am dreaming I have a safe place I can be myself and explore who I am on a very emotional level.

~ Hailey Amelia Rae