Best Friends Forever

After many failed relationships I had given up on the prospect of ever being in a real relationship ever again. For many years and with many people I tried to live a role I was completely incapable of. To put it simply, one can only pretend to enjoy something their partner wants and needs for only so long before it is apparent there is something seriously wrong with the situation.

Thankfully, I met a wonderful woman who changed my life for the better. Almost instantly we felt a deep connection to one another, and quickly formed an unwavering bond. To the outside world our strong relationship and connection is obvious, but few are able to see the true nature of the life we share. We travel the world together, provide each other with comfort & support, make each other laugh, sometimes we make each other cry, we give each other all the attention, love, and space needed, and we are absolutely definitely in love. The platonic and romantic love I have and share with my partner is deeper than anything I have ever experienced in any romantic or sexual relationship before.

If the support, happiness, and adventure my partner has filled my life with could be quantified and repayable, it would take me the rest of my life to repay what she has given me in three short years. On a daily basis I find myself thankful for her acts of kindness, demonstrations of love, and the emotional support (and education) she provides. 

I intend on expanding in future posts, but a few aspects of my relationship with my partner need to be articulated:

My partner and I have an open relationship, in that we both love each other and have sexual relationships with others. We both came to realize early on in our relationship that there are many needs we could not fulfill for each other, so we decided to explore being with others physically. The loving support we have for each other, allowed this to grow into a lifestyle for both of us that we are completely comfortable with and open about. Despite a few growing pains and a sense of nervousness at times for both of us, we have seen our relationship grow stronger as a result of our connections and relationships with other people. I experience compersion on a regular basis with my partner as I feel an empathetic happiness for her when I know she is happy and her needs are met. My partner regularly expresses she experiences this state as well, as she is incredibly happy when I am in a good place. We both make a concerted effort to befriend the other people in our lives and demonstrate our support for each other. 

My partner is a wonderful woman, an amazing human being, and kind soul. Her love, support, empathy, and kindness will never be forgotten and always be treasured. My partner is my best friend, and will be forever.

~ Hailey Amelia Rae

Introduction

This by far will be the hardest entry of this blog to write. The difficulty does not come from wanting to put myself out there, but rather determining where to begin.

I find it most important to start by sharing why I am writing this blog. I have decided it was important to record my thoughts and emotions as a way to process what has been happening in my life. The reason I chose a public forum for this is I recently discovered just how good it feels to share with those I love, those I care for, and even new friends who were strangers only moments before. This just feels like a natural step forward.

I will start by stating I have always been Hailey. I may not have gone by that name until recently, but deep down in the core of my existence Hailey is who I have always been. I will endeavor to explain in this blog how the journey of both the suppression and discovery of who I really am has progressed.

For thirty-two years I have been living a lie, trying to be someone I am not, trying to show the world a person that is not real and, worst of all, trying to convince myself that I am someone I am not. As a youth I had a pretty good and firm idea of who I was, but sadly I allowed society to convince me to live a lie. The convincing was mostly subtle and took time, but in the end I gave into the pressure and corrective behavior modification. The lie was so deep that I believed it. For years I felt obligated to like certain things, to want certain things in relationships, to act a certain way with both those I love and in public.

Now the repressed emotions and personality I hid so deeply, and with so much effort, have begun to come out. After decades of repressed emotions, I find myself pouring out the emotions, sometimes for no reason at all and sometimes with just cause, and normally with great intensity.

So here I am in my thirties rediscovering who I am. Despite the chaos that comes from realizing I have been living a lie, I am lucky to have a few things going for me. I am surrounded by incredibly supportive people who I love and feel loved by.

~ Hailey Amelia Rae