Emotions

Over the past few months I have experienced a myriad of emotions. Admittedly, there have been times that I have felt overwhelmed by the sheer volume and variety of emotions that I experienced what can only be described as a burnout. Looking back at the past couple of months, I could figuratively describe what was going on as a computer overheating and shutting down in order to protect the CPU. I was asked if it was depression and I think there was one or two days of that, but mostly I just could not process such a high frequency of stimuli.

Anxiety: For a very long time there has been anxiety building inside me. This anxiety stems from my self-conscious nature, constantly concerned with what others think. My anxiety is also a result of a lack of self-acceptance and fear of what I will see in the mirror (in a few minutes, in a month, in a year). It took someone else to identify that at its peak my anxiety was the worst when I reached a point of no return or as I like to say 'crossed the Rubicon'. Many factors led to that point: facial hair removal, changes from specific physical training, opening up to or coming out to friends and family, and taking the next steps with Medical Professionals. There were days I felt I was at the edge of a hopelessly high precipice, a nearly impossible task marred with danger every step of the way. After a period of overwhelming fear making it difficult to find motivation for the most basic of tasks, I took a step and restarted my journey.

Guilt: An emotion quite alien to me is guilt. Perhaps due to how I have lived my life, I cannot recall experiences or actions for which I have felt guilty. As a result, in the last few months when this emotion emerged I was not immediately able to identify it or understand how to process it. Through introspection and reflection I realized I have been feeling guilty for a number of reasons.

• First, I feel very guilty for the stress I have brought into the lives of those who love and care for me. I feel guilty for the stress and judgments they will face for their association with me in the future.
• Second, I feel guilt for the resources, time, and money, of the medical professionals and medical system who are supporting me. It really bothered me for sometime just how many hours my primary physician was spending on my case (let alone the specialists, consulting physicians, and support staff), and how much money was being spent to get me 'healthy' and support me in the future. 
• Third, I was overwhelmed by the guilt of the energy others have had to put in, in order to support my time away from work. Knowing others have to work a bit harder due to my absence was weighing on me.
• Finally, I feel guilty for pulling away from the people who care about me. I am lucky that despite my best efforts, they continued to try and be apart of my life. 

Acceptance: Like the mythical phoenix, I feel partially reborn. After a slide into helpless immobility and anxiousness, once I began moving forward everyday became easier. I looked at my future and accepted who I am and needed to be in order to find happiness and tranquility. Weeks later I am much happier and carrying on with the important steps and tasks I have ahead of me. I accept who I am and the challenges I have ahead of me. 

~ Hailey Amelia Rae