When I dream, the world is not perfect but it is pretty good. Sometimes I wonder if my dreams are like some science fiction shows where a character is living out a second life while they dream. In my dreams, it has been this way for as long as I can remember, I see myself as Hailey as does the rest of the world. When I am living this other life there is no shame or doubt, I am completely comfortable in my own skin, and the world does not care where I came from. It has been this way since childhood. Although in my dreams it does not feel this way, I know there is a certain amount of vanity that I carry with me into the dream world; in that world I am cute, sexy, hot, and desirable. With the exception of the avatar, my dreams are likely the same as everyone else’s dreams. I am pretty sure I dream about typical things, just within an avatar more representative of my true self. I am fairly certain, from what dreams I can recall, that no one ever uses the name my parents gave me. For many years, my names varied but eventually settled on Hailey. Hailey is just a name that feels so fitting both sub-consciously and in the real world.
I will note that when people know me Hailey, it actually feels awkward and uncomfortable when they use my given name in private.
With the exception of the rare nightmare, where reality bleeds through into my subconscious, there are no dreams of transition, judgement, or friction. In the dream world, everything feels as it should be and I am happy. As a result of my life being very comfortable and happy as Hailey in my dreams, sometimes I find it difficult to get out of bed in the mornings. I can think of numerous occasions where I heard my alarm go off and all I wanted to do was hit snooze so I could get back to that dream. Occasionally I am lucky enough to quickly fall asleep and find myself right back in that world.
There are some impractical elements to my dreams, such as dreaming about being with straight women I have crushes on as Hailey when there is no way that she would be with a woman.
The confusion of these dreams as a child is extremely difficult to put into perspective. Try to imagine having these dreams in elementary school and junior high (with less adult content) while being coerced into repressing mannerisms, interests, and desires. Even more difficult for me was wanting to seek medical help to address the consistent self-expression in my dreams, and desire to self-express in real-life, and not being allowed to because I was a minor. I can freely admit I hold deep resentment for the people in my youth that prevented me from the changing the course of my life and leaving me with issues I continue to carry with me today. Had I not been so repressed and discouraged, that dream world would not have been an escape but rather a reflection of reality.
From a psychological perspective, I do not think I am going through what I am in order to reach emulate some perfect life I have dreamt up. Rather, I think my dreams are a reflection of what should have happened in my life and reassurance that I made the right decisions. Although I find myself incredibly intimidated by what lays before me, I am certain my dreams are way of telling me I am on the right path.
However things go for me in the future, I am happy that at least when I am dreaming I have a safe place I can be myself and explore who I am on a very emotional level.
~ Hailey Amelia Rae
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