Realization

Just over six weeks ago I had a bit of a personal crisis. Sitting in my Doctors office, I suddenly felt crushed by the weight of the realization of everything that lay before me. Since I was a child I had always yearned for something different, and had a very strong sense of where and who I should be. There was a pervasive understanding of who I was on the inside and image of what I should I look like. Once I made the decision to move past the oppression and repression of my youth, and the judgments by many in the world who cannot understand that my brain developed one way when my body went the other, I had a logical understanding of what transitioning to my true self would involve (but emotional connection was not as well developed). During that crisis and in the days leading up to our rendezvous, the emotional connection to what the grey area or transition time will mean or be like really sunk in. I realized I am about to embark on what may be one of the hardest things I have done. I still get shocked days after a haircut or hair color change, how would I and others handle the changes before me? I did not fear strangers who will me meet me after years of hormone therapy and $30000-50000 in surgeries so I can look like who I am on the inside. I feared that transition time where people who know me will see changes, or people will see things that do not quite 'fit'.

But luckily I got through that 'crisis' really quickly and more important safely...

I moved past the fear, at least for now. I am ready to move forward and I know this for a few reasons. One reason is something I have written about before, the sheer and utter excitement I feel about the first day of the rest of the my life when I start Hormone Replacement Therapy. As I mentioned in a prior post, I am counting down to the day I get to walk into the office and discuss the referral, and leave with a prescription.

Another reason comes down to something simple: names, pronouns and gender references. When a friend calls me Hailey (even if they do not see 'her') it feels comfortable, fitting, and makes me feel just a little bit safer. If I am told I am invited to girls night, going on a girls trip, or asked to join a girls club I feel just a bit more accepted and safe. In private, terms like she and her feel so much more comfortable than the opposite. I understand that to many I can come across as a gay boy or effeminate man or depending on my acting that day a very straight and normal guy. But those who understand my brain was wired differently seem to be able to understand what feels appropriate and safe for me. Those who understand but are not sure what to say, are kind enough to ask what I want or need. As for the rest of the people in my life, that is a work in progress.

To sum this up, I realize I am on the right path and ready for the countless steps on front of me.

- Hailey Amelia Rae