Attraction, Affinity, and Empathy

Attraction, Affinity, and Empathy

Before getting into the subject of this entry, I want to establish why I write this blog. The first being a desire to share what I experienced, am experiencing, and what I am expecting in the future. I share these things using the medium of a blog because it is often easier to take my time to articulate my thoughts this way, than to come up with it all in a coherent conversation. I will admit I also look forward to the feedback I have been getting, my blogging becomes more than writing as I feel it being shared in two directions. The second reason I write here is it allows me to analyse and articulate for myself many of the things I have had to work through mentally and emotionally. Since starting to write here I have been able to learn a lot about myself, more than I expected, just by typing it out to share. Finally, I also hope once this process is complete that perhaps my experience can help someone else thinking of or actually experiencing the same as I have.

For as long as I can remember I have experienced conflicting and complimentary attraction towards women, affinity with women, and empathy for women. As a child I genuinely preferred female friends and I avoided male friends as much as I could. With my girlfriends I could visit, hangout, and play for hours on end, but with boys I would often get frustrated and find excuses to end the social situation. Actually, that is a modus operandi that I still unconsciously maintain to this day. An example I want to highlight is when I had a birthday party in grade nine with over 50 girlfriends in attendance and only one boy. It really has been persistent throughout my whole life, I am just far more comfortable socializing with women than men. For the longest time I had convinced myself that my draw to female friends was sexual opportunism, basically the more girlfriends I had the easier would be to 'get laid'. Although technically this is true, as proximity occasionally leads to opportunity, it certainly is not the motivation. Honestly, deep down I am just far more comfortable when in proximity to, confiding in, sharing with, and spending time with my girlfriends. Due to my affinity with girlfriends, and incompatibility with males, I did experience confusion once I was also attracted to women. Of course I was not attracted to all my girlfriends, but I was attracted to some of them. Because of the affinity with girls I felt, and friendships I had with them, I often felt a bit of guilt when there was attraction towards a girl I was close too. I think it is safe to say, the vast majority of my relationships began as friendships.

As I got older I was often confused by the overlapping affinity and sexual attraction towards women. The older I got the less faking my way through friendships with males was even remotely manageable. Having suppressed my feelings from my youth, as I got older I began to make assumptions about my orientation since I was generally happiest and accepted as one of the girls. I should mention it was my BFF who reminded me that in this case feeling that way has no reflection on orientation, she really got me through a very confusing and stressful time of my life. I imagine my issues with affinity and attraction are no different than or very similar to any gay woman out there, still a very confusing time for me. One of those how did I not know times of my life is when I was 17-19 years old. Once I began going to the bars I ended up connecting with a lesbian acquaintance of mine, kind of by chance by running into her at a gay bar. I began to spend more time with her and her friends, and honestly I felt right at home. Even hooking up with a few of them and having non-hetero-normative sex felt perfectly normal for me. Perhaps it was fear, but at one point I found myself running in a different direction sexually. I remained closer to girlfriends and attracted to women, but for a few years I really did attempt to prove to myself I enjoyed hetero-normative sex with women (I feel like I am digressing to a previous post).

Thankfully over the years I began to find a way to understand both my affinity with and attraction to women. I even got past the guilt of being attracted to women I consider friends & close friends. By finding an understanding of my emotions, feelings, and attraction for women, I was able to develop a deeper empathy for women. The stronger empathy with women has always been there, but since grasping a deeper understanding of myself my empathy has become far better tuned.

So there it is, the progression in my life of my sexual attraction towards women, affinity with women, and my empathy for women. This progression has led me to have a far better and deeper understanding of who I am and where I am going.

~ Hailey Amelia Rae

Commons approves transgender rights bill

CBC


A bill that would make it illegal to discriminate against transgender Canadians was approved by the House of Commons today.

The Opposition private member's legislation passed Wednesday by a vote of 149-137, with the crucial support of 16 Conservatives, including four cabinet ministers.

It was one of the first tests of the Conservative caucus' resolve on lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender (LGBT) rights in Canada at a time when Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird has been mounting a strong defence of such rights abroad.

Baird, Finance Minister Jim Flaherty, Labour Minister Lisa Raitt and Heritage Minister James Moore were among the Conservatives who supported the bill. Prime Minister Stephen Harper, most of his front bench and the vast majority of his backbenchers opposed it.

Opposition parties were united in their support for the bill, sponsored by New Democrat Randall Garrison.

MPs are generally free to vote as they see fit on private members' bills.

"Today, New Democrats are proud to have contributed to ensuring equal protection under the law from discrimination and hatred based on gender identity," Garrison said in a statement after the vote.

"Transgender and transsexual citizens are among the most marginalized and are too often victims of harassment and acts of violence."

The bill had triggered vigorous, sometimes emotional debate in the Commons.

After passing at second reading — with the support of 15 Tories and another nine abstaining — the bill's momentum seemed to falter as some Conservatives began to express reservations about its impact and effectiveness.

There were complaints that the language in the bill was confusing and vague, including the term "gender expression" and "gender identity."

Garrison tried to strike a compromise by removing the term "gender expression."

Conservative MP Michelle Rempel teared up in the Commons earlier this month as she spoke about the discrimination that transgender Canadians face, even as she questioned the bill's effectiveness.

"Both sides of this debate should agree that equality and protection against harm are two fundamental values that all Canadians of any gender, any age, any background are entitled to," Rempel said.

"However, as legislators we are also tasked with deciding if the proposed legislation is sound. Given the lack of clarity that I found in the bill, I do have concern about its viability."

'The bathroom bill'

Other Conservative MPs opposed the bill on other grounds, such as the argument that pedophiles would be protected when they lurked in public bathrooms.

Shortly before Wednesday's vote, Calgary MP Rob Anders tabled a petition "on behalf of thousands" of Canadians opposed to what he called "the bathroom bill."

"These constituents feel that it is the duty of the House of Commons to protect and safeguard our children from any exposure and harm that would come from giving a man access to women's public washroom facilities," Anders said.

The Canadian Human Rights Tribunal had supported adding transgender identity to federal anti-discrimination and anti-hate legislation, saying it would promote acceptance and send a message about tolerance.

While some MPs argued that the transgendered were already protected on the basis of sex and disability, the tribunal said it would be better to have explicit protection so that the question is not perpetually challenged.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/story/2013/03/20/pol-transgender-rights-bill-approved.html

Dreaming of Hailey

~ Inspired by Julia ~

When I dream, the world is not perfect but it is pretty good. Sometimes I wonder if my dreams are like some science fiction shows where a character is living out a second life while they dream. In my dreams, it has been this way for as long as I can remember, I see myself as Hailey as does the rest of the world. When I am living this other life there is no shame or doubt, I am completely comfortable in my own skin, and the world does not care where I came from. It has been this way since childhood. Although in my dreams it does not feel this way, I know there is a certain amount of vanity that I carry with me into the dream world; in that world I am cute, sexy, hot, and desirable. With the exception of the avatar, my dreams are likely the same as everyone else’s dreams. I am pretty sure I dream about typical things, just within an avatar more representative of my true self. I am fairly certain, from what dreams I can recall, that no one ever uses the name my parents gave me. For many years, my names varied but eventually settled on Hailey. Hailey is just a name that feels so fitting both sub-consciously and in the real world.

I will note that when people know me Hailey, it actually feels awkward and uncomfortable when they use my given name in private.

With the exception of the rare nightmare, where reality bleeds through into my subconscious, there are no dreams of transition, judgement, or friction. In the dream world, everything feels as it should be and I am happy. As a result of my life being very comfortable and happy as Hailey in my dreams, sometimes I find it difficult to get out of bed in the mornings. I can think of numerous occasions where I heard my alarm go off and all I wanted to do was hit snooze so I could get back to that dream. Occasionally I am lucky enough to quickly fall asleep and find myself right back in that world.

There are some impractical elements to my dreams, such as dreaming about being with straight women I have crushes on as Hailey when there is no way that she would be with a woman.

The confusion of these dreams as a child is extremely difficult to put into perspective. Try to imagine having these dreams in elementary school and junior high (with less adult content) while being coerced into repressing mannerisms, interests, and desires. Even more difficult for me was wanting to seek medical help to address the consistent self-expression in my dreams, and desire to self-express in real-life, and not being allowed to because I was a minor. I can freely admit I hold deep resentment for the people in my youth that prevented me from the changing the course of my life and leaving me with issues I continue to carry with me today. Had I not been so repressed and discouraged, that dream world would not have been an escape but rather a reflection of reality.

From a psychological perspective, I do not think I am going through what I am in order to reach emulate some perfect life I have dreamt up. Rather, I think my dreams are a reflection of what should have happened in my life and reassurance that I made the right decisions. Although I find myself incredibly intimidated by what lays before me, I am certain my dreams are way of telling me I am on the right path.

However things go for me in the future, I am happy that at least when I am dreaming I have a safe place I can be myself and explore who I am on a very emotional level.

~ Hailey Amelia Rae

Have you talked enough about hair?

So I was lying in bed yesterday wondering to myself 'what could I possibly write about?' Right now I feel like I am in this state of limbo where I am waiting for a bunch of sequential things to happen and there are not many concurrent activities on the go. So I decided to reach out to a couple of friends for ideas. One response was “Have you written enough about Hair?”

Well, no I have not written enough about hair. In fact I have not written about it at all (aside from maybe mentioning I have a laser hair removal appointment).

Laser Hair Removal, it sounds much simpler than it really is. For most LHR clients it really can be a simple and relatively painless procedure. This is due to women for the most part being lucky enough to have much finer hair than their male counter-parts. My partner and I both go for regular hair removal appointments, and compare our experiences after. Now my partner considers herself to have an extremely high pain tolerance, and even for her some areas are terribly painful (but overall it is a relatively pain free experience). Not so for me.

In my limited experience with LHR, I discovered that the back, chest, and stomach, are nearly painless as the laser zaps each follicle. I may notice the odd little prick but in the time it takes to do those areas my brain is often tempted to succumb to the adenosine in my system and simply fall asleep. I have also been extremely impressed with the results, the technicians told me each area would need 6-8 treatments for permanent removal and even after the initial treatments I barely notice any re-growth.

The face was not so easy. Despite never having a whole lot of hair on my body, my face was not so lucky. Still, for what facial hair existed, it is coarse with the added disadvantage of being attached to naturally sensitive and soft skin. The first time I got LRH on my face, the technician started with a spot on my neck and with the first shot I did feel something but really just thought to myself that it was not so bad. The cheeks were next and still I continued to think that this laser hair removal thing was not bad at all – too easy. I was wrong. Once she got to the area just below my lower lip, the pain increased significantly. Each zap felt like it was shooting through my tissues deep into my mouth, but still I had a goal and the pain was worth it. Then the technician moved to the jaw line. If you have never had laser hair removal on your jaw experience will be very difficult to understand. With each zap of the laser I could feel a short shot of pain shoot right up into my ear. It was very strange as they are so far removed, though I am sure someone from the medical or biological field could explain to me how there are facial nerve bundles running along the jaw or something. As the technician moved the laser up the jaw line, I began to hear the individual follicles being destroyed. It sounded like a very loud version of the crackling/squishing sound when you take fire to hair or lint. The closer she got to my ears, the louder the dying hair follicles were and the more off-putting the experience was. But the day was not over yet. I should note that I have had broken bones, and had gall-bladder attacks and never have I cried from pain. This is not a testament to my strength nor is it a statement about how tough or manly I was, but rather my response to pain never included tears. But all that was to change when it was time to apply the laser to the area above my upper lip. As the technician zapped each hair above my lip, I am pretty sure I could feel the pain shoot up the midline of my face and behind my eyes. As she continued I quite literally started crying and could not help it. She asked if she should stop but I firmly stated we should get this over with. I found myself holding on to my belt so tighter and tighter with each lasing that I unknowingly slid my pants down a little. Finally, the experience was over and after some advice was given for after-care I was told it should only take five to seven more of those appointments until it was permanent. Still it is worth it.

Wrongly thinking that facial laser hair removal was the worst it could get, I elected to go for an appointment to remove the hair from my butt, pubic area and groin. Having never gone to have this area done before, I was a little concerned with the comfort level of the technician. I really was not sure if she would be alright with getting right in there to get the job done. But when I asked if she was comfortable she laughed slightly and said ‘it is just business’ with a smile. So she had me strip and cover myself with a tiny towel wrap and we got to it. This time she started with my butt, and it was quite painless. Just like with my face, I wrongly thought to myself this won’t be so bad. The technician was very good and professional as she grabbed, grasped, spread, and moved whatever she had to in order to get the job done. Unfortunately, I had not mentally prepared for just how painful this was going to be. As I said, some areas felt like nothing. But as the appointment went on, I found myself experiencing little involuntary jumps or spasms with each zap. As a coping mechanism I began squeezing with all my strength a little stress ball the technician gave me. The pain got worse in the most sensitive region, so I asked the technician for an extra facecloth which she handed me with a confused look on her face. I rolled it up and bit down on it like a gag, in order to not groan or scream through the final few square inches of the appointment. As painful as it was, I was happy with the results. Only four or five more of those for permanency!

So for all my whining about what I went through, I will state that I am very happy with the results. Despite the pain, the results so far make me look forward to returning for more appointments. I will also add that I am very happy with just how soft my skin is where the hair has been removed from, and some friends have even noticed that my skin appears younger with a nice complexion. So in this case pain is good.

~ Hailey Amelia Rae

Transgender Disorder Stigma No More

Courtney O'Donnell


In May, 2013, the paradigm for the way the medical profession view transgender people changes -- soon we will no longer be classified as having a "mental disorder." The American Psychiatric Association's (APA) diagnostic manual is being updated and the "disorder" stigma soon to be removed.

Some call this update a historic moment, I don't agree. There's nothing historical about trans people still being labeled with a "mental disorder" this far into the 21st century.

This is the most important thing you need to know -- if you are receiving any form of medical assistance or treatment for transgender or gender nonconforming issues, ensure that your provider is aware of the upcoming gender identity update to the APA's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, also known as the DSM-5. It is scheduled to be published in May.

Gender Dysphoria, the new name, will have it's own chapter -- a clear, black and white separation from psychiatric disorder ties. The APA also released a position statement and health guidelines on transgender care, hoping for a higher respect for trans patients from medical professionals. Although there are some aspects to the updated APA's diagnostic manual that some transgender advocates find as still harmful, but overall, a considerable improvement. Groups like the International Foundation for Gender Education will be working on our behalf to rid the DSM-5 of the dubious and potentially harmful treatments still remaining in the manual.

A concern by some in the mental health field, which might have contributed to the delay to an earlier update to the DSM, is the possibility that by removing "disorder" from the classification it could open the door for some insurance companies to deny coverage of sex reassignment surgery and perhaps other services. As a precaution, this is something you may wish to discuss with your medical provider.

As for the timing of this revision, I should note that several generations have gone by since the APA removed the mental disorder label for LGB people from DSM manual back in 1973. As a consequence, trans people today lag a decade or so behind LGB people in both the area of civil rights and general well being. By being excluded, we've still being exploited in the media and in the entertainment industry. From the motion picture Silence of the Lambs to Saturday Night Live on television, trans people are either portrayed in a severely negative light or are objects of ridicule, sometimes both, for the purpose of generating revenue for people who get to laugh at us twice -- once for the ridicule, and a second time when the check comes in.

Conservatives and so-called "family values" organizations have long used the "disorder" stigma to deny us civil rights resulting in the loss of jobs, homes, families and even our children. Cases of trans people being unfit parents still occur today. A review of the data at TransParentcy.org showed that not only are trans people sometimes denied custody, they're sometimes denied contact and in some cases when visitations is permitted, the trans person's "dress presentation" is monitored. While things have improved from perhaps a decade ago, we've a ways to go.

Finally, trans people aren't always included when gay advocates work for rights and equality. Time and time again, we'll read about gay rights or equality gains, only to find that it doesn't quite include trans people. From the Stonewall Riots to more recent congressional actions by then-Rep. Barney Frank, we've been marginalized by our own supposed brothers and sisters. (My apologies to those who DO include us, and there are a lot of you. We wouldn't be where we're at today without our allies.)

While I am always willing to work with the larger LGBT community, I feel a bit fortunate that the trans community today is not only stronger and far better organized than where we were at merely a decade ago, we're mostly no longer dependent on other entities in our fight for civil rights, equality and our overall well-being. Come May though, we will also join the 21st century with the rest of you.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/courtney-odonnell/transgender-disorder-stig_b_2882051.html

Realization

Just over six weeks ago I had a bit of a personal crisis. Sitting in my Doctors office, I suddenly felt crushed by the weight of the realization of everything that lay before me. Since I was a child I had always yearned for something different, and had a very strong sense of where and who I should be. There was a pervasive understanding of who I was on the inside and image of what I should I look like. Once I made the decision to move past the oppression and repression of my youth, and the judgments by many in the world who cannot understand that my brain developed one way when my body went the other, I had a logical understanding of what transitioning to my true self would involve (but emotional connection was not as well developed). During that crisis and in the days leading up to our rendezvous, the emotional connection to what the grey area or transition time will mean or be like really sunk in. I realized I am about to embark on what may be one of the hardest things I have done. I still get shocked days after a haircut or hair color change, how would I and others handle the changes before me? I did not fear strangers who will me meet me after years of hormone therapy and $30000-50000 in surgeries so I can look like who I am on the inside. I feared that transition time where people who know me will see changes, or people will see things that do not quite 'fit'.

But luckily I got through that 'crisis' really quickly and more important safely...

I moved past the fear, at least for now. I am ready to move forward and I know this for a few reasons. One reason is something I have written about before, the sheer and utter excitement I feel about the first day of the rest of the my life when I start Hormone Replacement Therapy. As I mentioned in a prior post, I am counting down to the day I get to walk into the office and discuss the referral, and leave with a prescription.

Another reason comes down to something simple: names, pronouns and gender references. When a friend calls me Hailey (even if they do not see 'her') it feels comfortable, fitting, and makes me feel just a little bit safer. If I am told I am invited to girls night, going on a girls trip, or asked to join a girls club I feel just a bit more accepted and safe. In private, terms like she and her feel so much more comfortable than the opposite. I understand that to many I can come across as a gay boy or effeminate man or depending on my acting that day a very straight and normal guy. But those who understand my brain was wired differently seem to be able to understand what feels appropriate and safe for me. Those who understand but are not sure what to say, are kind enough to ask what I want or need. As for the rest of the people in my life, that is a work in progress.

To sum this up, I realize I am on the right path and ready for the countless steps on front of me.

- Hailey Amelia Rae

First Countdown

So... sometimes I really struggle with where to start these blog entries. Perhaps that is why I leave so many posts incomplete and as a result un-posted.

I received good news a few days ago, after waiting on two different waiting lists for what feels like a lifetime I am finally scheduled to meet a psychiatrist who specializes in transsexuality. I have made excellent progress with therapy to help me with my anxiety-acceptance issues. But the time is overdue to finally meet the gate-keeper. I will digress about the gate-keeper for a moment. Where I live, so long as there is mental health intervention and recommendation a General Practitioner is able to prescribe hormone replacement therapy and initiate the non-surgical parts of transitioning. Yet I am expected to wait for the psychiatrist, which may or may not be due to a fear by the professionals that i am not ready. Anyways, another month and this will be a moot point. The reason why this appointment next month is such a big deal is a year ago I was anxious and ashamed even talking to a MD about who I am inside. The desire and knowledge has been there since childhood but yet I. was still ashamed. Yet now I am showing up at appointments relieved to share more, and to feel progress towards my destiny. I used to be afraid of what was coming and now I find myself excited. The biggest indication of the positive change in me is how many people I have been able to come out to and open up to despite not looking remotely like the person, the woman, I want or need to be. I still get minor feelings of nervousness but its far from the anxiety I was feeling before. Every time I peel back a layer of my camouflage I feel better and better. This positive outlook and well-being would not be possible without the loving support I have gotten from friends and my chosen family. It is those friends and chosen family that have enabled me to move forward from the repression of my youth by my relatives. So without knowing what exactly will happen at this appointment next month I am counting down and everyday I am happier and calmer.

~ Hailey Amelia Rae

The Year Ahead

So I took some time today to reflect on what lay before me for the remainder of 2013.

I can look forward to at least a few months of the year spent with my BFF. Sadly, she has so many business trips planned this year we will only have a limited amount of time together. However, the limited time we do have we plan to fill with quite a lot. Speaking of my BFF, I am currently in a countdown mode (only a few days left) for her return to me. I cannot wait for her hugs and many hours of cuddling.

We are very happy with the addition of a fur baby to our little family. It is going to be a joy (with considerable frustration at times) to watch her grow. I am also looking forward to the eager and energetic company as I get back into running outdoors in the Spring.

As for my emotional and mental transition and development, I am looking forward to more productive therapy and the big appointments that will be the first of some major benchmarks for me.

We are already planning a few trips for the year. My BFF and I are planning a wonderful week long trip to Italy this summer. This is a trip we have been excited for and looking forward to probably since our first meeting. I am hoping for a week long trip to San Francisco with a dear friend and lover. I think it will be an exciting time in an awesome queer space, with so much cool things to see and do. I am planning a trip to the East Coast of Canada soon to visit another dear friend and lover, someone I have not seen in far too long. A road trip to New York City is on the horizon but I am hoping to find company for that one (any takers?). Finally, my BFF and I really want to do a couples trip to an all-inclusive (I suggested Mexico but she really wants Jamaica). Even though we generally meet awesome people and party with them at the resorts, we have been talking about finding awesome friends to go with us since last May. I guess we are in the mood for partying late and relaxing with people we know.

Finally, as always I am looking forward to memorable times with old and new friends. My BFF have learned well we cannot get through this world alone and we are lucky to know so many amazing people.

~ Hailey Amelia Rae